My Screwed Up Love Life
by BlamionexTandrexChax4evr
Summary: Everyone on board knew who I was. I was Agent Maria Hill. I was Nick Fury's lieutenant. I was the one who gave the orders. I was the one who was having the affair with one of the most unattainable men in S.H.I.E.L.D.


**Okay so this is my first Avengers fic. Don't know all about characters pasts so I'm making them up. Enjoy. Rated for a reason.**

Everyone on board knew who I was. I was Agent Maria Hill. I was Nick Fury's lieutenant. I was the one who gave the orders. I was the one who was having the affair with one of the most unattainable men in S.H.I.E.L.D.

I guess I should start by telling you this story doesn't have a happy ever after ending. This isn't one of those stories where two people start a forbidden affair and end up in love. Or even one where the girl gets a guy she's known for years but never had the courage to tell about her feelings. Sometimes the outcome was out of my hands and others I really screwed up.

I've been in love. I've loved and lost. I've given in to my feelings and I've had my heart broken. Women like me… we aren't supposed to love. We're there to give the men what they want and nothing else. After that we're disposable.

I suppose I wasn't _disposable _so to speak. I mean I was good. I was really good. I thought I was indestructible. In some ways maybe I was. In others I had a lot to learn. This is the story of how I discovered that love isn't always what it seems and there aren't always happy endings.

**XXX**

The first man I ever loved was Agent Clint Barton.

Do I hear gasps? I guess so. You see I've known Barton practically my whole life. We went to the same schools, trained together. I guess it was high school when I realised that maybe I loved him. Maybe. But even then I was the girl no one messed with but no one spoke to either. I'd had the odd conversation with Barton but I think he was just being nice. He was popular with a hundred girls drooling in his wake but even in the few short conversations I had with him I knew he was genuine. He talked to me like he actually cared what I had to say. Like he really wanted to know what I was thinking. But I know he never thought of me… like that anyway.

So after finishing high school, after my brother was murdered and I got a call from a man named Nick Fury telling me he wanted me for his team, you can imagine my surprise when I found myself training with the one and only Clint Barton. He seemed glad to see me too. I guess it was comforting to both of us to have someone we knew in this big new world. It was a scary place.

We talked occasionally. We had a bit of a laugh now and then too. But even then I knew he would only ever see me as his friend.

I remember after we were assigned our jobs and I began climbing my way up the chain while Clint jumped to the top we started to drift apart. I guess it was to be expected. I should have seen it coming. But still I was hurt.

I was used to people being in awe at my skills but never in my life had I had people look down on me in pity. They all wondered how I had ever gotten into S.H.I.E.L.D. and I realised I'd have to push myself further. For once in my life I wanted to prove myself. I had to. And after a few months people took notice. Fury noticed and I moved closer and closer to top position. Clint and I started talking again then. I remember one day we talked about the person, who would eventually, ruin our friendship. Natasha Romanoff.

We were both high up enough to know that the famous Black Widow was causing trouble. We both knew she had to be stopped. We both knew he would be the one to stop her. We talked about it a bit and he told me that this was one mission he feared. He had been with S.H.I.E.L.D. almost five years. He had survived hundreds of missions. His excellent aim had earned him the name "Hawkeye". And yet he feared Natasha Romanoff. I've often wondered since whether he knew he wouldn't be able to kill her, even then.

But when he returned with Black Widow to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ I knew what would happen. I knew what would happen long before it did. We still talked sometimes but mostly he would talk about Natasha, his new partner, and I would listen. For the second, and last, time we grew apart. I think we both knew that after that time we would never be close again. It broke my heart. But I was strong. And I got over it.

I try not to think about that time of my life too much because what happened later was much more complicated and a lot harder to explain.

So I guess that was the first chapter of my love life. But if this were really me telling the story of my love life I must admit there would only be about three chapters. Read on and you'll understand what I mean.

**XXX**

I should have realised at the time that everyone knew about my affair with Nick Fury. It probably wasn't hard to guess. I was his lieutenant. I knew all of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s dirty secrets. I helped cover them up. Maybe everyone knew the whole time. Maybe not. Either way by the end I knew everyone knew.

I guess it all started just before the battle with Loki. About a week before Loki arrived on Earth was the first time we slept together. Why it happened… I guess I'll never know but after that anytime he needed a way to forget I was there.

I don't know when I fell in love with him exactly. Maybe it was before the affair. It would explain why I let it go on so long. Why I let him take everything I had until I had nothing left to give and he lost interest.

It went on for months. Any time things weren't going well or if we lost an agent I was always there to offer him comfort. Because that's all he wanted. He didn't want love. He didn't want pity. He just needed something to take his mind off everything that had happened. Just for a while.

_His hands felt up along my body, groaning. He removed his boxers and then he lay over me again. _

_He pushed himself into me, pumping hard and fast. He always fucked me like that. That's how I knew I was nothing more than a fuck buddy for him._

Every time I stood next to Fury or even looked at him I could see other officers watching us probably wondering if next time we walked out of the room we would go down to my room.

One thing that always surprised me was he never mentioned it. Afterwards whenever we worked together just the two of us he never brought it up. Never mentioned it. It was as if as soon as it happened he forgot about it.

I knew I never should have fallen in love with him. It's not like I didn't know things could never work out between us. But still I followed him around like a little puppy hoping one day he might turn around and say that he was glad I was there for him and that he had feelings for me. I wasn't looking for love. Just some sort of emotion for me. From anyone really.

The day Fury broke me heart Steve Rogers started to heal it.

It came so fast I didn't even see it coming until it hit me in the face. Fury arrived to work one day and announced he was getting married. The way he looked at me… I knew we were over. He loved her.

But as I sobbed later in my room and there was a knock on the door. At first I hoped it was Fury, even if it was just for one last fuck but no. it was Captain America.

I didn't know Steve well at that stage though I grew to over time. He became my best friend and he made me feel safe.

That day when he found me crying he didn't speak. Didn't say a word. He just wrapped his strong arms around me and held me as I sobbed. In the days afterwards whenever I needed someone to talk to, when I felt like shit, I would find him and he would listen or if I didn't want to talk he would tell me some joke or some stupid story. Anything to take my mind off my broken heart.

Everyone knew we were close and maybe some assumed we too were sleeping together but for once I didn't care anyone else thought. Steve made me laugh and whenever I was with him I felt happier than I had in a long time.

I don't know how I didn't see what happened next coming. I was stupid. I was cruel. I screwed up. Big time.

We had been friends for just over a year when one day I was confronted by the bitch who had given me my first broken heart. Natasha Romanoff told me she needed to talk to me. I knew it was bad.

As we walked to the training area I realised Natasha Romanoff doesn't beat about the bush. She got straight to the point.

"Look Steve is a good friend of mine and I just want us to get one thing straight here." I hated how inferior I felt next to her. I straighten what little I could and stared her in the eyes but she didn't notice.

"What is it?" I asked trying to sound superior but we both knew I never would be.

"Like I said, Steve is a good friend and if you break his heart I swear I'll break your face." Natasha hissed but I was too shocked to be angry.

"Break his heart? What the fuck are you on about? We're just friends." I snapped but she just raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe you think so. But anyone can tell he's in love with you." Natasha replied. "Just keep my… promise in mind. Got it?" I nodded numbly. I couldn't believe it. Even then I didn't realise the feelings were mutual. I decided I had to make it clear to Steve that there was no future for us. So I did exactly what Natasha had warned me not to.

"You know you're a great friend." I began later that afternoon. Steve raised his eyebrows at the ominous beginning. "But you know there's no, like, romantic future for us, right?" Steve managed to laugh.

"Course. Jeez what do you take me for?" he asked but I could see the pain in his eyes. We went on as normal but I could sense something was different between us. In the days and weeks that followed Steve began to distance himself from me and I knew I had lost probably my best friend ever.

It was a few weeks later Steve met Jess. She was a new recruit. Typically I was assigned to show her around. I watched as they grew close, the way we had and I knew I had lost Steve for good.

One evening on my way back to my room I paused around a corner, hearing voices.

"… Give me a chance." Jess begged. I peeked around the corner as Steve cupped her face in his hands and pulled her closer until their lips met. I turned and ran, taking another route to my room and once I reached my room I slammed the door and threw myself on my bed an unbearable ache tearing through my chest.

**Thanks for reading! Just a one shot but will consider continuing if wanted! Please review and let me know what you think!**


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